bête noire
she calls them stones around her neck,
stones around her neck, not pieces of diamond
and jade, but of imperfected rock.
their little chubby, cherub-like cheeks and
stubby, infantine fingers are nothing more than
revulsion and fire and acrid bile tainting words straight
from the snakes in her mouth that twist and tear—
venom more glaring and malignant than matchsticks to
newly acquired skin.
on days when their babbling coos are just pinpoint pressures
against her abscessed brain, she understands why some
animals eat their young.
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125,021 Literary Works • 672,740 Reviews
i would post a comment, but after reading that, i'm too scared.
OH NO! TOO LATE!
okay, fine, i'll comment. That was really original, and even though i didn't know what the title meant before kitty15 posted the definition, it really made the poem. it always takes me forever to pick a title...but that's not really relevent. it took me a while to understand the connection between the first part and the rest of it, but once i did, i had to admit this is a REALLY good poem. 8.75/10. Good job!
bête noire
she calls them stones around her neck,
stones around her neck, not pieces of diamond (stones is repetitive)
and jade, but of imperfected rock. (imperfect)
their little chubby, cherub-like cheeks and (little chubby is excessive, at least drop the adverb)
stubby, infantine fingers are nothing more than (infantile)
revulsion and fire and acrid bile tainting words straight (This line just doesn't work)
from the snakes in her mouth that twist and tear— (still more awkward)
venom more glaring and malignant than matchsticks to (still more awkward!)
newly acquired skin. (Huh?)
on days when their babbling coos are just pinpoint pressures (pinpoint pressures...odd)
against her abscessed brain, she understands why some (abscessed is odd word choice)
animals eat their young. (fine)
---------
This was an unusual and rather strange poem. The second stanza drifts into madness and becomes nothing but confusion. The first stanza is really weird and I really don't understand its use in the poem. I dunno what to say...
you are so SO good. that is all.
This poem is lovely my dear! Or rather it's morbid and creepy but I like it ^^ I wish I knew what the title meant but I can take an educated guess or I could look it up so I'm going to do both...
Interesting. I have a few comments on that then - I love it! It summarises your poem well and it sounds lovely. Much better than the English translation.As for the rest of the poem, your imagery is brilliant. I don't think I've ever seen anyone give such a vile, repugnant view of children in the form of a poem. Very original. A few specific comments -
she [Any particular reason you haven't used a capital letter?] calls them stones around her neck, [Now this is just genius. I love all the layers of imagery you have throughout this piece but I think this first line is one of my favourites. It gives me a sense of drowning, as if she is weighed down by the children and that's not so hard to understand. That's another thing. I enjoy the way your poem progresses from a point that the reader can agree with to one that should disgust them and yet the movement is quite gradual until that very last line. Nicely done.]
stones around her neck, not pieces of diamond
and jade, but of imperfected rock.
their [I think 'their' should have a capital.] little chubby, cherub-like cheeks and
stubby, infantine fingers are nothing more than
revulsion and fire and acrid bile tainting words straight
from the snakes in her mouth that twist and tear—
venom more glaring and malignant than matchsticks to
newly acquired skin. [Some very well chosen words here. Nice, harsh sounding words. Very effective.]
on [I think a little structure would benefit this poem so I'd say use a capital here too.] days when their babbling coos are just pinpoint pressures
against her abscessed brain, she understands why some
animals eat their young. [Perfect last line and great build up to it.]
Okay so that wasn't too helpful but basically, I thought it was very well written and my only suggestion is that you maybe add a little more structure and try to bridge the gap between the styles of the first and second stanza a touch. Either make the second a little simpler of the first a bit more elaborate. Overall an excellent piece though.
Ah, Cal, beautiful. ^_^ I love the alliterations, and the flow it gave it, but at the same time, it was jarring. And the last line...So creepy, so morbid and beautiful. The title is also wonderful--although I suppose it helps that I know what it means.
I'm useless to critique your poetry; it is always superb.
Wow- that's totally creepy and disturbing but in a very effective way, the closing lines especially. This is a striking poem.
My only critique is that while I like the opening lines, they don't seem to relate to the rest of the poem. You switch abruptly from an image of a diamond necklace to talking about a mother's feelings towards her children- is their a connection I'm missing? I enjoyed the first stanza, but it seemed random.
Otherwise, kudos- this is very original and well-done. ^_^